Positive Pregnancy Test, Negative Attitude

On May 13, 2013, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. Justin wasn't home yet and I had about an hour before he would be. I paced around the house, wondering what to do...how to tell him...trying to figure out if I was happy or not...

Obviously I knew this was a possibility, but it still came as a shock. And by that point we had basically been "trying"and waiting over the past few months, so you think I'd be thrilled at a positive test. But all my doubts and insecurities about having a baby resurfaced. I had forgotten my own story about what God had been doing in our lives and that He was in control--a much better option than me being in control! Particularly at this point, because I was feeling extremely out of control.

When Justin came home, I was sitting on the porch swing with the pregnancy test next to me. It was kind of anticlimactic, but I didn't know what else to do. I wasn't prepared with anything cutesy and I knew I wouldn't be able to keep it a secret until I could plan something. When he got home, he came over to me and could tell something was up. Then he saw the test. He was thrilled! We hugged and he cried tears of joy...I cried. But tears of something else.

I'm not proud of it, but over the next three days or so, I was not a pleasant person to be around. I was mad, sad, upset, annoyed, pessimistic about the future...and I took it out on Justin. He was trying to be happy, exciting, and optimistic about the future and I stole the joy out of our home. Again--not proud of it. But after a few days, I realized it was happening one way or another and I might as well try to enjoy the experience and get my heart right. It was all about giving control to God and I knew {in theory, at least...} that He had my best interest in mind. Now when people ask about my change of heart in having kids, I say this was God's choice, God's baby, and now I'm just happy to be a part of it. I couldn't fathom it being a good thing, but I was hopeful. So after that I tried to take positive steps to celebrate the experience. (As seen in future posts! :)